Wondering
by Evilblood
Summary: Nathaniel's thoughts on his Commander as he tries to figure her out and ultimately decides she's more complex than that. Brief one-shot I wrote spontaneously.


_Something I wrote to try and ease me back into the process. Lots of ideas so hopefully a lot more updates on my other stories coming out. The school year over so more time to write. Alright, I'm out. Hope you like. _

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Nathaniel wonders what would have happened if his illustrious Commander conscripted him instead of allowing him to walk free with his family's things. Maybe he wouldn't be in his current predicament. Maybe he would feel nothing but bitterness and hatred for his Commander instead of…well whatever he feels hasn't been decided yet. That's not the point anyway. He knows his fascination with her began when she let him walk free. She gave him a choice, something he had never had before; his whole life was strategically placed so he could better the Howe name for his father. She gave him the chance to better the Howe name for himself.

He can't help but notice the similarities between the Commander and Velanna. They are both strong, independent, beautiful Dalish women, ex-Dalish if you ask the Commander, yet something so monumental sets them apart. Nathaniel studies her, the Commander, looking for words to describe how she is so different from everyone he's ever met before.

You know when she walks into a room, unless she doesn't want you to know. She has an air about her that commands attention and respect. When someone doesn't give her either, they regret it. Nathaniel has experienced firsthand her incredible mercy, and seen it affect others. He thought she would flounder when ruling the Arling since she was raised in the forest, but she surpassed Nathaniel's wildest expectations with fair rulings of swift justice and she always lends an ear to her advisors. Something his father never did. _Nobility means we are simply born better, Nathaniel. These peasants can't know what ruling is because it isn't in their blood. _

She is beautiful though, her looks alone contrasting with Velanna's. Her dark brown hair, filled with highlights of blonde with teal eyes often filled with amusement made her a woman any man would desire. She is all hard where Velanna is curved due to hunting her whole life and fighting darkspawn on the road for over a year. Some men would consider Velanna more desirable only because of her bigger bust and curves, but the Commander is soft where Velanna is hard. The Commander never judges one on appearance, whether it was human, dwarf, or city elf; she is kind and sweet more often than not when Velanna is usually hurling insults at passing humans and degrading the elves.

He wonders if she notices, but she seems not to. As he watches, she laughs with Anders, shares a mischievous grin with Sigrun, talks about the concept versus reality of justice with Justice, convinces Oghren to stop drinking so much for his child, talks to Velanna about being Dalish in the human world, and he watches her especially close when she comes to speak with him.

He decides that she is a better person than he will ever be when she saves Amaranthine against his wishes. He watches as she clutches a necklace in the Chantry when they are given a brief break. Nathaniel promises himself he'll try to find out more about her, more than the drunken dwarf lets on. He doesn't get the chance when the King comes and things seem to change, his Commander seems to change.

It is painfully obvious now of how little her Warden's knew of her, Nathaniel notes when he sees how she acts with the King. He cannot hear what they are saying, but they are obviously good friends, chatting for hours while drinking and eating as the Warden appetite commands. He thinks they might have been something more when he touches her so gently and she looks sad and pulls away. He looses his nerve to speak with her about her past. Perhaps she is happier leaving it behind.

The King leaves, yelling that she has to come visit the Palace once Amaranthine and the Keep are in better condition and she switches from a nostalgic woman back to the confident Commander.

She becomes incredibly efficient, planning far into the future for the Vigil and Amaranthine. She is close to the dwarven King and has promised to reclaim some of their lost thaig's and sets into motion limitless expeditions with the Legion of the Dead and the Wardens. Nathaniel swears she never sleeps though he can't prove it; she acts like herself so Nathaniel can't complain. He does wonder why she's working so hard but she always replies to his inquiries with, _"We've only got thirty so years Nathaniel, I want the Wardens to be etched into Ferelden by the time I have to go to Orzammar." _Then she would give him a quick wink and be off again, as quick as ever. He's amazed, but shouldn't be when she tells him about the Warden's second base at Soldier's Peak. He guesses she wasn't joking when she said she wanted the Warden's to stay in Ferelden.

When an Antivan elf shows up at the door he isn't surprised. She is known to have several strange acquaintances. When he finds them in the throes of passion he wants to feel something, but he feels empty and leaves before they notice him. She is gone within the week, leaving behind little more than a note. When he reads it, he is humbled. She choose him to lead the Wardens of Ferelden.

He hears things about her supposedly but he doesn't believe them. Some rumors say she had a falling out with the King and he exiled her but when Nathaniel meets the King as Warden Commander he asks if Nathaniel knows where she is. He says no but he suspects she went with the elf.

It's only years later that he sees her again and she looks the same. He is slightly embarrassed for her to look so young while he's going grey. She smiles at him, a smile that she shares with everyone but when it's directed at you it seems special. _"Nathaniel, or should I say Warden Commander," she grins cheekily, her dimples becoming noticeable, "I should've known I couldn't leave you behind." _He smiles, she was always good at making him feel better. It would make sense for her to be here to make him feel better for the final time, he thinks as they walk into the deep roads together.


End file.
